So I think I've been on a diet since I was 13. I've never been obese or incredibly overweight, but there were a few shaky moments in college that could have gone either way. I have a very sturdy body that was built thicker than some. I will never be 100 pounds and if I ever was, I would surely have an intervention done on me because I would look sick. Stick thin or lean have never been words to describe my silhouette.
My legs have been described as "muscular" and one time "stumpy" by a person who knows who he is and never made that mistake again. I can't wear super short shorts or skirts which I'm mostly okay with, but it would be nice in 111 degrees to wear shorts to the gym. I also have this pouch around my tummy, I guess it's known as a spare tire, since it looks like I swallowed a bike tire that won't deflate. No amount of crunches, pilates, or ab rollers will get rid of that thing. I think I would be sad if it ever left me since we've been together so long. I wouldn't know what to do...maybe comfortably wear a bikini or run in my sports bra?
I work out enough and eat healthy food to maintain a body size that isn't small, but isn't big, it's very medium. But I know what is in the way of my knock-out body. It's a little obsession I like to call the "treat." Some people like to have something sweet in their mouth after they have dinner, hence the after dinner mint. That small piece of hard candy will not even come close to suppressing the lion that lives in my belly.
I could eat an entire bag of M&M's, and I'm not talking about the impulse buy when checking out groceries. That's just a warm-up to the main event. I could take down a large bag of peanut M&M's in one night. Easily. I love the sour tasting treats, I love ones with peanut butter, I love ones with chocolate, I love them rolled in sugar, I love them dipped in caramel, and I especially love them smothered in ice cream (with caramel, peanut butter, and dipped in chocolate).
If you were to bag my groceries, you would see tons of fruit, vegetables, lean meat, and many nutritious things. But under the non-fat yogurt, you will see the struggle of a treataholic. I don't want to buy the tub of ice cream, so I'm going to get these sugar-free fruit bars at 72 calories each. I can't bring myself to put the bag of chocolate in the cart, but I'm sure these sugar-free chocolate pudding packs will do the trick when I'm really craving a bag of bite-sized Snickers.
When you've been on the treat for as long as I have, these are just items to tie me over so I don't get in my car and drive to the local gas station and get a large bag of Hershey Kisses. I can tell you that one time a gas station attendant asked me why I wasn't getting any sour gummy worms with my Reese's Pieces like I usually do. After I awkwardly laughed and hurried out, I made sure to start mixing up my gas stations. I binge on these items and leave not one iota of candy left. My stomach hurts, I feel like puking, and yet the candy keeps going in my mouth.
This isn't something that happens everyday, but it happens enough, let's just put it that way. After I have my crazy, psychotic episode with the candy, I swear that I'll never eat treats again. I also promise that I'm going to eat healthy from now on. This inevitably happens, because I'm too sick to eat until the next day. I go back to eating my fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and my fake sugar-free treats.
After a week, something builds up in my system and those red warning signs start to flash while blaring a loud horn. "You've gone too long without a good treat!!" it screams in my ear. I try to ignore it as long as I can, but after a few days of ignoring the piercing sounds, no amount of sugar-free Jello will hit the spot and I cave.
I stand in front of the candy aisle, having a hard time deciding what to get. Sometimes I have a little will power and just get the Sweettarts that come in the long tin foil cylinder, but other times I go for the hard core chocolate treats. I sit in my car on the ride home and fire them in without breathing. I'm a drug addict that's scored cheap crack, just something to calm the craving.
The cycle repeats itself again and I go through the same song and dance. If I'm stressed out at work or if someone said something to hurt my feelings, then it's an automatic stop for candy and I feel better instantly. Then I have an upset stomach on top of the stress or sadness, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
I wish I knew the magic solution that would help me overcome those treat demons in my brain. When I have conquered them, I will let you know via email with an attached picture of me in a string bikini while running.
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