Baby Bumps

I'm not claiming to be rail thin here, but pregnant? Come on. This happens to me every year around the time of August, September, or October. I have the very personal and inappropriate question asking if I'm pregnant. I don't know what it is about the changing seasons that makes people socially inept to have the audacity to ask the question.

Two years ago I was sitting in the doctor's office waiting to get my blood drawn for my cholesterol check. A woman walked in and kept smiling and staring at me. I smiled back and she decided this was an open invitation to ask me when I was due. This marks a very critical point to a socially awkward question. I am really down to a couple of options and both of them will not flatter either one of us. For some reason I always choose the response of: "No, I guess I'm just fat." Laugh, laugh, laugh. I throw myself under the bus and hope that the other person doesn't feel uncomfortable.

What? Yes, ridiculous as it sounds, I somehow feel like I need to be the one who will take the beating to a new level. However, the other side to the coin is to tell the person that you are not pregnant and that it is rude to ask someone such a personal question. I'm not assertive enough to do the latter and find that when I'm blindsided by the question, the automatic response is to rag on myself, then fall into a pool of tears after leaving the conversation.

It happened again last year from a PTSO mom who thought that she was being very clever figuring out that I was pregnant. I still responded with the old no, I'm just fat, but the laugh was taken out of that response and I walked away with her calling, "No, I didn't mean it like that. Sorry!!!" Oh, I guess I wasn't sure what you meant by it, no, completely my fault.

But this fall has landed me a couple of doozies. The first was from a woman I used to work with at my old school. After a long meeting and sharing a table with this fellow teacher, I got up and gathered my things to leave. She immediately put her hand on my belly and very loudly exclaimed, "I didn't know you were pregnant!!" Again, my response came out, but this time I got angry. I told her she couldn't ask that to women and it is super rude. She responded with a hearty laugh and said that she knew that. I walked away with tears flowing out of my eyes and my colleagues watching my brisk exit. She knew that?! SHE KNEW THAT??!! No, I don't think that she did or she wouldn't have asked it! Grrrrr.

Today was the latest of my pregnancy rumors. In the parent loop at my elementary school, a parent of one of my former students was picking up her son. She called my name frantically as I put him in the back seat. "You're pregnant!" she exclaimed. No, I assured her. This was just a roll of fat, no baby was a brewing. "No, no! Look!" she pointed the roll of fat around my stomach, "You ARE pregnant!" Now this puts me in even more of an awkward position, she is a nice woman and I will see her everyday in the parent loop. However, I want to punch her or really give her a piece of my mind about keeping those comments to herself. I did the only thing I could do, "No, I'm just fat." Clenched teeth, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. I turned away to a gaped mouth kindergarten teacher asking me if that just happened. Oh, yes. That was not a figment of your imagination. This is what I deal with--people with zero class and social cues.

I have pondered why I get so many pregnancy questions. My first thought is that I have a roll of fat around my middle that will be there until the day I die (just in case of famine). I also have an extraordinarily large chest, which I keep under tight wraps. These are signs of early pregnancy, perhaps, but I don't think my shape is any more unusual than the average woman. I've also thought that people ask me because I'm newly married and in the city where I work, the women have babies at the age of 16. I'm a very late bloomer according to their timeline. A very kind friend told me I have a natural glow that some may mistake as a pregnancy glow. I think it's just Eye Bright from Benefit I use religiously.

I feel for these celebs dealing with paparazzi accusations of baby rumors. How many of us have pictures where we are in an unflattering pose? Sometimes I have a big dinner and my stomach is feeling bloated, sorry no baby. I am a huge fan of the gossip magazines, but I think it's given some sort of permission for people to make accusations (as I'll so gently put it) about the personal and private things going on in others' lives. I admit that I have my doubts about Eva Longoria, but I know what she's going through, on a much smaller scale of course, if she really isn't preggers.

So here's my rule of thumb to asking about pregnancy, as many of you know: Only ask a woman if she's pregnant when a baby's head is crowning out of a vagina.
That's all. Pretty simple. Keep it forever and use it.